How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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