I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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