I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Did you pee in the oven last night??