I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"