and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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