Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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