I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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