If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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