i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
