i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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