HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
