I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
