would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
