You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
try to milk me bitch
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
