I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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