I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
