mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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