did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
