Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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