T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
