i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
