I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
