I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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