Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
