I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
