at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
