dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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