dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.