Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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