well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
