I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
