I heard we made out
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
