Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
