I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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