If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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