wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
