So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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