yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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