You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
