I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
