omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
