The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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