If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
