His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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