my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
