Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
