Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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