I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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