Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize