i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
