I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
