I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
