literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
