grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
