oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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