then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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