god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
