no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Houston, we have a blender
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
