I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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