i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
