Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
