I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
