thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
